


A Stab Wars Story

by Apricot



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Ankle Violence, Blood, Gen, Humor, Mixed Media, Pre-Rogue One
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-04
Updated: 2017-05-04
Packaged: 2018-10-24 17:04:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10746063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Apricot/pseuds/Apricot
Summary: "Now, before you say anything," K2 said, "I'd like to reiterate that you were gone 2.6 days longer than you initially advised."





	A Stab Wars Story

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Irusu](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Irusu/gifts).



> This is very silly and I hope salty enough for you ♥. May the 4th Be With You!

 

To: All Personnel  
Code: Yellow  
From: [Redacted]  
Re: Recent Events

As a reminder, any alterations made to artificial intelligence must be logged appropriately with Command Control and the Cybernetic Overseer System. Any attempts to slice base technology or interfere with the automatic program routing of base service droids without direct orders from Command Control will not be tolerated.

Please report any instances of alterations not made under order of Command Control to your immediate supervisor for review. 

To: All Personnel  
Code: Yellow  
From: [Redacted]  
Re: Addendum-- Recent Events

Per previous memo, Command Control has also prohibited current Class-1 base droids slicing or interfering with Class-2 service droids to alter their directives or sentience programming at this time. 

To: All Personnel  
Code: Red  
From: [Redacted]  
Re: Re: Addendum-- Recent Events

Under no circumstances should anyone or Class-1 droids attempt to alter or reprogram self-protection protocols. Giving weapons capabilities and/or singular sentience to MSE-series general purpose droids has not been authorized by Command Control for any reason or purpose.

To: All Personnel  
Code: Green  
From: Chief Medical  
Re: Mess Hall Incident at 0900

Any persons injured in the Mess Hall incident today should report to the Medical Bay. Any serious injuries should specifically ask for Senior Officer Yakamoti.

* * *

“ _K_ ,” Cassian said.

K2 did not hear him.

Well, more accurately, K2 projected a scenario where Cassian had not spoken. This provided the more appealing subroutine of remaining silent and not responding to the implied question in Cassian’s voice. He bent a little bit more over the alluvial damper he'd been tinkering with.

“ _Why?”_

The direct question was much harder to program around. He tried for a few micro-seconds and then gave up.

“Why what?” he queried.

The captain sighed. K2 did a quick scan of his bio-metrics, searching for any injury. Cassian had been off alone on whatever mission he'd been assigned, _without_ K2-SO, the past few days. K2 had monitored Mission Control frequencies for any chatter, but it had apparently been  _classified_ enough nothing had been forthcoming. No injuries had been listed on Cassian's post-mission report (K2 had downloaded the second it had been uploaded to the base) but K2 found he was never satisfied until he'd run his own cursory scan. He kept detailed records of the captain's bio-metrics, even if he no longer told Cassian about that after the captain had ordered him to stop.

Cassian's heart rate was within standard humanoid range, and that proved promising. However, the voice and tonal analysis K2 ran a few seconds later did not.

“Tell me what is going on,” Cassian said. “I was gone for _three_ days--”

“3.6 days.”

“--and Command said you caused a riot in the Mess Hall--"

“An exaggeration. I did no such thing."

A small stampede is hardly a riot.

Cassian did not look amused. "Well, whatever that thing you built did. The bay chief was waiting for me the second I reported in."

K2 ignored that, just as he'd ignored the past few base memos that had come in with increasing urgency, and his own summons of the bay chief when it had flashed across his optic display. It was a lot of fuss over nothing. There had barely been any serious injury, but you would have thought Imperial troops themselves had invaded the mess hall with the fuss Command was putting up over it.

Cassian glanced over his workbench and then around the bay, before raising an eyebrow. 

"Where is it?"

“Where is what?”

"The droid that you modified."

"What droid?"

In the corner of the workshop, there was a low, throaty, timbral thrum.

Cassian looked at him.

“Oh.” K2 paused. "That droid."

Despite Command's warning and misgivings, he had to admit he felt a bit...proud. Or at least, he felt positive regarding the accomplishment. And Cassian's negative tonal analysis notwithstanding, he was not opposed to showing the captain.

K2 picked up a small, stripped screw he'd pried out of the damper and tossed it onto the floor, a few inches from the jumble of crates and broken ship parts that seemed to collect in every corner of the expansive ship bay. It clattered onto the floor, rolling to a stop after a few seconds.

There was a faint whirring sound from the tower of crates.

The modified MSE-6 skittered out, darting from the shadows. Its characteristic humming trills seemed to be a few octaves deeper than the usual standard MSE-6, and it thrummed in Cassian's direction before scooting around the fallen screw and sucking it away with a series of angry, satisfied crunches.

Job done, it backed up a few feet and then retreated hastily to its junk fortress once again.

Cassian stared for a moment at where the droid had been, then looked at K2. 

"Now, before you say anything," K2 said, "I'd like to reiterate that you were gone 2.6 days longer than you initially advised."

Cassian sighed. "What did you do to it?"

K2 picked up another handful of stripped screws, that he'd saved specifically for this purpose. "ST4-B."

The captain's face was still uncomprehending, and K2 scattered the screws on the floor. "I had to reclassify him when I gave him sentience programming."  
  
" _Sentience_ \--"

"For the weapon protocol matrix. I had to add that before I could install the vibrocutters."

 "The _vibrocutters_."

"Yes," K2 said. He ran a quick system diagnostic to confirm that his default auditory language remained Galactic Basic and not Binary as Cassian was being uncharacteristically obtuse, but everything looked fine. 

ST4-B had emerged again, and was running over the stripped screws with vigorous, direct intention as it recycled them through its port chutes. It gave sort of an aggressive beep in K2's direction, which he had interpreted as a shorthand for gratitude. Not having been programmed with binary (since MSE-6 intelligence was fed through Central Command), ST4-B's dialect was a bit...odd. They were working on it.

A passing tech, clipboard in hand, wandered closer to the corner where K2 had set up his workbench. There was a low thrumming, like the buzz of an angry fire-wasp, and then the tech yelped, scrambling-- well, limping-- away.

"ST4 seems to demonstrate territorial tendencies," K2 said. "Not sure why. I've run multiple checks on his self-protection mode. But he likes that corner."  
  
The thrumming faltered and a string of low, bass beeps came from the boxes.

"Don't worry. I programmed him to specifically recognize you and me." K2 considered the binary transcription errors for half a moment. "At least, I'm pretty sure that I did."

"That's not what I'm worried about, K." Cassian was watching the boxes with a mixed expression. "You can't just go around altering the programming of--"

"Oh?" K2 turned away from the workbench. "I seem to recall that you made changes with my programming for your own gains."

There was a beat.

"And I made some for mine," K2 said, gesturing at the shadowy corner of boxes.

"Which....was?" 

K2 considered that. "Well, it was funny."

He waited for the captain's order to deactivate ST4-B. Of course, he wouldn't be-- he doubted the ability to even recall ST4-B at this time. Maybe he'd been  _slightly_ liberal with the obedience programming settings. 

But Cassian exhaled, and then seemed to give up. "Just...keep him in that corner and out of the mess hall."

"Of course, Captain," K2 said. "And I would like to also add that if you would take me on your dangerous missions, I would have less free time for side projects like this. And it will increase the odds of your survival substantially."

Cassian threw him a look which K2 analyzed to indicate that he was pushing his luck, but the message had been received. They both watched the faint tremors of the boxes for a moment before the captain exhaled and stalked away.

The injured tech, clipboard still in hand and ankle bandaged, limped in K2's direction with a scowl sketched over her face. 

The boxes rattled menacingly, and she slowed, and then quickly turned on her uninjured heel and went the opposite direction.

K2 went back to the alluvial damper and dropped another stripped screw serenely into a new pile.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Shmaylor put together an amazing, brilliant podfic of this story! Check it out at the link below.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] A Stab Wars Story](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11441133) by [Shmaylor](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shmaylor/pseuds/Shmaylor)




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